Carey

HOMEMAKER The title describes the role. She is one who makes a home… A home. Homemakers, make a home. The role of the homemaker has fallen on hard times. Being a “stay at home mom” or “domestic diva” has become an object of ridicule and scorn in our “enlightened” age. Many women feel it beneath them to […]

Homemaker: a tribute
Christian Home and Family - Equipping you to build a legacy of faith in your family that lasts for generations.

Like becoming a widow, losing a job you love, or countless other heartaches, having a miscarriage grants you instant admission into a secret club. It is a club, of course, that no one wants to join and it’s one with a lifetime membership. I never expected to in be it (see Letting His Hands Mend My Heart). I was already in the club of secondary infertility. A strange place to be when I had two kids more than seven years apart and another through fertility treatments.

I had dreams of four kids, homemade casseroles, and being barefooted all day long. We went through fertility treatments again after Tori grew out of her baby stage. When these methods didn’t work, our only option became IVF which was no option at all.

Another baby? Was it possible to hope too much? It was … until I found out about Alex one hot, July evening.

But something was different about this pregnancy.  I knew it. I felt different — life felt different. The minute the stick turned positive, it felt like the clock was ticking and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. We had just learned about our oldest daughter’s autism and I was scared. Afraid of another child with disabilities, too scared to really be happy about this baby.

Finally, the impact happened, sucking the breath right out of me.  Loud and forceful — it reeled my thoughts back to “Is it possible to hope too much?” And then…

“I caused this. If only I wasn’t so scared of this baby having autism. If only.”

Today, she would have been two. As my youngest entertains herself with a restlessness that only a five-year-old can do when her mama is distant, I think about where I would be in this crazy messy home, fully overrun with all things toddler and preschooler. No doubt, I would be counting down the moments to nap time as I watched my youngest two play with a tired mother bliss.

Wonderings

As Tori tears her fort apart, I wonder if Alex would have been chubby-cheeked and fussing at her sister. I wonder if my feet would still be bare and dishes still in the sink. And I wonder if any other mother has moments like this.

Is it still okay to have moments of grief over a miscarriage? Can you compare a four week miscarriage to one at twenty weeks? Is it okay to feel like something is missing? Is it okay to remember her birthday?

The next moment, my phone chirps and I’m tempted to tell a friend, “Today, Alex would have been two.” But I don’t, I’m not sure if she would get it — if anyone would get it. And even then, do I want to bother her with this heavy thought?

Then I remember going through a friend’s recent miscarriage, we ate pizza I bought as soon I heard the news.  I told her it was okay to cry and she didn’t need to be strong.  We ignored the hopeful words of the doctor, “Don’t worry, you can get pregnant again next month…” Instead, we stayed in her moment, grieving this pregnancy, this could have been.

Questions

So I question you with this:

Could you be that friend?

The one who grieves right along with me, the one who doesn’t say, “you should be thankful for the kids you have,” “It’s God’s way of telling you, you have enough.”

Could you be that friend who brings a meal, sends a card of encouragement several months later, or sends flowers on the baby’s would have been birthday?

What if you could be the friend who understands a baby is a baby, a life no matter how many weeks. It’s a dream, a moment pulling us forward into the future as our empty wombs remind us of what once was?

Could you be the friend who understands a miscarriage is a forever loss?

Forever into the future, little moments like today’s date will remind us what might have been and maybe … just maybe you could be that friend who hugs us on days like today and says, “What might have been …”

P.S. I stumbled across this blog post, a great read if you aren’t sure how to grieve a miscarriage.

P.P.S. Would you be brave enough to share your loss?

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Why is foster care important? What is the Church’s role? What are the common misconceptions about foster children and how to parent them? We sat down with our experts and picked their brains about the state of foster care today. You might be surprised and encouraged by what they have to say.

Before we dive in, meet our panel of foster care experts:

• Andi Lawrence is the foster care and adoption director for Buckner in North Texas.
• Debbie Sceroler is the foster care and adoption director in Longview, Texas.
• Mindy McDonald is the foster care director for Buckner in Lubbock, Texas.
• Kathy McGee is the administrator for Buckner West Texas programs (Lubbock and Amarillo). She previously served as the foster care director in Lubbock.
• Bruce and Denise Kendrick lead Embrace Texas. They have nine children ages one to 21. Five are adopted, four of whom were adopted through the Buckner foster-to-adopt program.
• David Ummel is the administer for Buckner in Northeast Texas.add content here

What are the misconceptions about foster care?

Andi Lawrence: There are so many different misconceptions about foster care. I hear frequently about the child’s unmanageable behaviors and that the “State” has taken away all discipline techniques. We teach our families children do have challenging behaviors and we provide them with some innovative parenting methods that are effective with children who have been traumatized through abuse and neglect. The other misconception: “I can’t love a child and then let them go home to the family that abused them.” Sadness is expected when a child returns home to their parents or family member. Our families’ emotions are real. During this time, we are praying with you that the child’s future is safe and that we will trust God and His plan for the child’s life.

Debbie Sceroler: For new, inexperienced foster parents, a major misconception is that “they can fix the child by just loving them and giving them things.” In spite of extensive training, they fail to recognize and understand the special needs of children who have been victimized from abuse and neglect.

Who are the foster parents Buckner needs?

Mindy McDonald: We need you. It doesn’t require perfect people in perfect situations to foster children. In fact, perfect people need not apply, because raising children is a daunting task, but raising someone else’s children takes patience and commitment. It takes imperfect people with a desire and a heart to serve children in need. Whether you have a bed for one child or many children, we need you. If you can help even one child through foster care or adoption, you have helped many. It is a ripple effect and it truly takes a community of committed individuals to see these young lives achieve permanency. That’s what we are at Buckner. A family. A team. A community of individuals who want to make a difference in the lives of the vulnerable. If you have space in your home, in your heart, and in your life for children in need, you are exactly who we need.

Sceroler: Buckner needs foster parents who are willing to provide care for older children, sibling groups and minority children. We need foster and adoptive parents who see this as a redemptive ministry and who invest their lives in truly making an eternal difference in the lives of children.

What do you see at your job?

Kathy McGee: On a daily basis, I have the opportunity to see dedicated, passionate foster care staff and committed foster parents serving children in need. Children come to us at different ages with various needs, but they all have in common the need to feel safe, secure and loved. Children are removed from their homes for various reasons, from neglectful supervision to severe physical and sexual abuse. Over the last few years, the majority of the children we see are coming from a situation that involves substance abuse and/or domestic violence.

Children have various reactions to removal due to their personality and previous experiences, but all children show fear of the unknown on their faces. They lose all they have when they are removed from their home: their family, their home, the friends and most of their personal belongings. A lot of the children who come to us have never experienced the true love of God or been exposed to Christian principles. Through staff and foster parents, I believe Buckner begins the healing process by showing these children unconditional love and acceptance.

What is the Church’s responsibility when it comes to foster care (the Church being the body of Christ)? How should the Church step up?

Bruce Kendrick: In general, the Church is responsible to seek justice, defend the oppressed, take up the cause of the fatherless and plead the case of the widow (Isaiah 1:17). There are a number of other biblical references to the Church’s responsibilities to the poor or outcast as well but the prophet’s words to God’s people in Israel are a good summation. For us, foster care is an intersection of all those things because we rarely have children without a safe, nurturing home when justice is served, oppression is expelled and widows are cared for. The Church can do any number of things from recruiting foster and adoptive families to mentoring children aging out of foster care at 18 when they haven’t been adopted. What the Church can’t do is outsource this responsibility to the government, a foster care agency or a non-profit organization.

What does foster care look like in Texas? Where are we headed?

McGee: Foster care in Texas is ever-changing and somewhat inconsistent from region to region. In the past few years, there has been a big emphasis on preparing youth who are aging out of care to be successful and healthy adults. Currently, Texas is experimenting with a foster care redesign, where they’ve made one agency responsible for placing all children with other agencies. There is a pilot project in a rural area and an urban area. I believe the future will see child placing agencies more involved in determining permanency for the children placed with them and have increased responsibility for working with families regarding prevention and reunification.

Why are you passionate about foster care?

David Ummel: Because it is exactly where God has called His people to be. God’s Word is full of examples, from the parable of the Good Samaritan to the parable of the sheep and goats in Matthew 25, where we are shown our present responsibility to make an immediate impact in the lives of those around us who are hurting. Where better to put those words in action than in foster care? Children in foster care did not get there by choice. They are there because the adults in their lives have failed them, and they are in need of Godly adults to step up and stand in the gap on their behalf.

Kendrick: Initially, we were not passionate. We just had space in our home, realized there was a need and felt the Bible set a precedent for our faith in caring for the fatherless. It wasn’t until these children were in our home, and we began to see the depth of their trauma and the difficulty in helping them heal, that we became passionate. Our passion was awakened primarily because we saw ourselves in our relationship with God in the same ways these children related to us. We never saw ourselves in God’s place, but they were starved for unconditional affection, desperately seeking it in any way they could think of and only finding glimpses of the healing they needed in a family that loves Christ.

If you think of the call in James 1:27, to minister to orphans and widows in their distress, who are the “orphans” in the U.S.?

Kendrick: They are the 125,000 children waiting for adoption. There are more than 400,000 children in foster care in the U.S., and our hope as a family and a ministry is to see those children who can be reunified with their parents to go back home where their parents have been loved by their children’s foster parents, connected to a local church and encouraged as they re-establish their family. But for the 125,000 … They have no family.

What kind of hope is there for children who are in foster care?

McDonald: Hope is believing in the light even in the dark. To me, it is believing in better days, even in your worst. Children in foster care get to experience the ultimate hope. Hope for a restored family, hope for better days, hope for a brighter future. They see God’s love and His grace in action every day as they journey through foster care, whether it is for a season or a lifetime.

Lawrence: The statistics regarding children coming into foster care or aging out of foster care are staggering and depressive. However, the hope children have while they are in foster care comes from our foster parents. They help the children process their fear associated with their abuse/neglect history as well as the unknown in their life. The parents are used by God as a comforter to the children during this period in their life.

What makes Buckner foster care unique?

Kendrick: Buckner is unique because they provide the professional side of foster care that is necessary to keep children safe and maintain a Biblical standard of care for children while emphasizing their partnership with the local Church. This is done not only in identifying Christian foster and adoptive families, but in supporting those families, and providing avenues for other believers to serve in meaningful ways in order for the Church to reclaim the care of orphans and waiting children.

What else should people know about being a foster parent or foster child?

McDonald: Foster care is the most rewarding yet most difficult thing you will ever do. I admire the families who willingly open their homes and their hearts to children in need. I promise you, it’s worth the ride. You will never be the same. Our theme in Lubbock is, “even super heroes had foster parents.” Think about that! Think about Superman, Batman, Wolverine and Spiderman … all of them grew up in some sort of substitute care. Just think, you could be raising the next superhero.

Lawrence: Children come into foster care with an enormous amount of loss. Some have lost their innocence. They have lost their parents. Some lost contact with their siblings. They have lost their grandparents. They have lost their teachers, friends, neighbors, dogs, cats, etc. They come to the foster homes not having their “lovies.” Not having their teddy bears. Not having their good luck shirt. This is why we desire families who are motivated by their faith. Foster families need to understand how God is our refuge and strength as they help a child process their enormous amount of loss.

To learn more about foster care and ways you can be a family for a vulnerable child, visit www.beafamily.org.

Being capable and being perfect are not the same thing.

Did you know that? I’m not sure I did until this week. It’s so interesting that I felt God whisper “capable” to me as my word for 2014, and I assumed it was because of all the changes and challenges that 2013 brought our family. A reminder that He is capable to handle the emotional baggage that I carried with me over having our family walk such an unsettled path. And then the last few weeks happened and I could feel the enemy start to sneak into my thoughts.

You’ll never be good enough.

They don’t trust your abilities.

You’re nothing – they don’t even ask how you’re doing.

You just keep messing up.

You aren’t capable.

My heart has been heavy and my insecurities many as I’ve sought truth. And what God revealed to my heart through a conversation with a sweet friend is this: I’m capable. But I’m not perfect. And those two things are not the same.

Capable means that I’m able to use the skills and talents and passions that God has given me to serve His kingdom the best I can while I’m here on earth. That I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally able to do what I can, where I can, how I can.

Perfect means I never make a mistake while I’m doing it. And that’s just never going to be possible on this side of heaven.

There will always be competing interests, deadlines, projects, chores, to-do lists, and responsibilities that fight for attention — and being capable as a mother, wife, sister, friend, co-worker, writer, online cheerleader — it means that somewhere in the juggle of it all something will always end up falling. It doesn’t make me “less,” and it doesn’t make me insignificant or unworthy of the path and blessings God has placed in my life. It means I’m human.

Maybe you’re in a similar season, feeling like it’s all going wrong while you know you’re more than capable? Can I share some encouragement with you, and some grace? Grab a seat and scoot a little closer so you can see how much I mean this when I say it — you ARE capable. But stop expecting perfection. Don’t let the enemy get one more finger around your heart to try to convince you to give it all up, to throw in the towel, to assume someone else can do it better. The only thing you need to give up is the unrealistic expectation that you can/should/will do it all, and do it perfectly.

We can’t.

One of those plates we have spinning, one of those balls in the air, one of the many … many … many to-do lists and constantly changing pieces of life ‚ one of them will end up on the bottom of the pile. Unfinished. Imperfect. Messed up. But never beyond repair, never beyond God’s redemption, and never beyond grace.

We are capable. But we are not perfect. And I think that maybe that might be just a small piece of the lesson God had planned for me this year.

For more content like this, visit Color Her Purple.

Last week we learned that only 1.9% of churches’ outreach ministries focus on helping those in need find and keep meaningful work. The majority focuses on providing food, clothing, and shelter. Relief activities are extremely helpful, especially in times of crisis and great need. Churches have even used food, clothing, and shelter as ministry tools to share the gospel. But, relief efforts are rarely enough to lift people out of generational poverty. Although they have met immediate needs, if left unchecked these efforts encourage dependency and diminish the dignity of men and women. Relief efforts often harm more than they help.

According to Maimonides’ Eight Levels of Charity, the greatest level of charity is to support someone by “… giving a gift or loan, or entering into a partnership with him, or finding employment for him, in order to strengthen his hand until he need no longer be dependent upon others ...” A job does this. If a man or a woman has a job, he or she is empowered to provide for himself/herself. What if a prostitute, an ex-offender, a welfare mom all had meaningful work? It would change everything.

So, I surveyed my friends and colleagues and asked them why. Some are pastors, elders, ministry leaders, seminary professors, nonprofit professionals, stay-at home moms, and your “average” congregate. Each are believers in the gospel, involved in their church beyond Sunday morning, and have a heart to serve others for the Lord’s name's sake. I have not coached them.  I just asked them this question, “Why doesn’t the church use work as a mean to attack poverty?” Here are their voices — their top 10 reasons why.

#10 Afraid to face the sins of our systems, society and self.

When helping someone in need find a job, especially someone who is a product of generational poverty, we learn how a broken system can, in some instances, perpetuate poverty. Take responsibility for your actions! That’s what we say. But we live in a fallen world, and our influential leaders, with our help, have created systems honoring the privileged and underserving the poor. Exposure to this injustice can further reveal the brokenness in our hearts, the role we played, the stereotypes we hold dear, and how we do ministry.

#9 Blinded by the old work ethic adage — if you work really, really hard, you can make it.

Many believe that poor people are the problem. Be the captain of your destiny. That’s not necessarily reality. Can we, in good conscience, tell a child, yes you can succeed, even though you attend an under-performing school, your dad isn’t around, and you are distracted by the violence on your street? We will say it. But, we know deep down this child will start life below a level playing field. Realistically, which one of us have ever had any success without someone stepping in to open our eyes, give us wisdom, or open up a door for us? We can attest; it takes more than hard work.

#8 Don’t want to admit that maybe we have been “doing ministry” wrong. 

It is difficult to admit wrongdoing. Our pride is prone to well up. We think it makes us weak. But, it takes tremendous fortitude to say, “I was wrong, I’m sorry.” It shows your strength, it builds trust, and retains respect.

#7 Too busy being busy.

I need a job. My job is crazy. I have to do this and that. I have to go here and there. I, I, I … We are distracted by taking care of ourselves, providing for ourselves, and mostly entertaining ourselves. We have no time.  It is a self-centeredness that becomes the foundation of our lives and it competes with our calling. What would our lives look like built around loving Jesus and loving our world?

#6 Sustainable change takes too long.

When we feed or clothe someone, we see results fairly quickly. Hunger is satisfied within the hour, and warmth is achieved in minutes. We are immediately gratified. Real change is not a sprint, but it is a marathon. We all know what is required to change a habit. A 2009 study from the UK Health Behavior Research Centre indicated that it takes 66 days to genuinely make or break a habit, to the point where that new habit becomes your default behavior. Change takes vision, commitment, strategy, intentionality, a plan, and accountability. It takes time.

#5 Feel inadequate.

The problem is so vast and complex. Three billion people in poverty worldwide. Two hundred thousand people unemployed. Poverty, crime, sex trafficking, unemployment, and on and on. Anyone would feel ill equipped and under-resourced to attack such massive issues. But, what if I told you that in most instances a lack of a job is not the problem? Or you don’t have to be an expert or have tremendous amounts of funding? It is about identity, character and community. Everyone needs to know that they are made in the image of God, with value and worth. You are not your past or your mistakes. But God has created you to work; He has given you a purpose. Additionally, employers are searching for employees with strong character.  Will you show up on time? Are you dependable? Employers will teach someone a skill before they will tolerate a breach of trust.

Lastly, everyone needs a healthy community, people to walk alongside you, encourage you and open up their networks. Who better to do this than the church? The church is uniquely positioned to tell people about their identity in Christ, to help build strong character, and to foster a supportive community. Teaching the world what God says about work, you don’t need a degree or special training to do this.

#4 Uninformed.

Believers know that they must care about the poor but may be unfamiliar with how some charity can sometimes harm those in need. We see scriptures like Proverbs 19:17, “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deeds”. And we live out this scripture by giving money. We are rightly motivated, but our intentions become problems. Some are unfamiliar with organizations like Jobs for Life or have never read books like When Helping Hurts, by Brian Fikkert and Steve Corbett. Bob Lupton says in Toxic Charity, “When we do for those in need what they have the capacity to do for themselves, we disempower them”. This concept is even supported by scripture. Leviticus 19:9-10 says, “’When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not reap your field right up to its edge, neither shall you gather the gleanings after your harvest. And you shall not strip your vineyard bare, neither shall you gather the fallen grapes of your vineyard. You shall leave them for the poor and for the sojourner: I am the Lord your God.” This is a great example of empowering someone with a job, helping them to provide for themselves.

#3 Building relationships are messy.

One survey participant stated about relationship building, “That's getting up close and personal with people and their lives and their "stuff" the good and the bad. That's not easy, so we do food drives instead. For Thanksgiving my church fed 100 families and the whole church cheered. But who knows what those people ate once the leftovers were gone.” In this line of work, we can’t just write a check and be done with it. That’s easy. We have to build sincere and meaningful relationships between two individuals that are broken and culturally and economically different. There are ups and downs, frustrations and disappointments. But, the joy on the other side far outweighs the challenges faced. The beauty in these relationships is that transformation occurs both ways because God miraculously uses it to build our faith in Him.

#2 It’s too much work.

Along with the messiness of building relationships, we have to exert the required time and energy to stay committed to the mission. It takes intentionality, a plan, and a team. It is not for the faint of heart. Over 400 ministries and churches are already devoted to this cause and holding Jobs for Life classes in their community. Churches, like Woodlands Church in Wisconsin, are on the frontlines everyday. When we get in the game, we are contributing to work that has already started. And, the Spirit of God, the creator of the universe, will empower us to do His work.

#1 It is nontraditional ministry.

Since the start of the twentieth century the church has separated itself from social justice issues. According to When Helping Hurts, in the early 1900s Evangelicals distanced themselves from the social gospel movement due to theological differences. As a result, shifted from poverty alleviation and outsourcing the work of caring for the poor to nonprofit organizations and the government. But the original church, in the book of Acts, describes a church that ministered to both the physical and spiritual needs of the poor. This is a model that we can emulate. Jesus ministers to us in both word and in deed. We are called to be just like Him.

Next week we will share real life stories, examples, of what happens when the church uses work to attack poverty. Stay tuned.

For more content like this, visit Strive.

Photo CC on Flickr.

Would you let the world into your checking account? Would you lay open the story of your marriage as you struggled through money woes? Finances are a very personal matter. In her new release, Broke, Caryn Rivadeneira shares not only her financial hardship but the spiritual struggles that accompanied it. The principles discussed in Broke apply, however, to any difficult season or circumstance, not just pocketbook woes. Read along here as Caryn shares some insights into her process of writing vulnerably.

FV: Many people suffer financial hardships and don't want to share it with anyone, much less write a book about it. How did you decide to bare your checkbook, as it were, to the world?

Caryn: Oh, it’s much easier to write about it than to talk about it. I wasn’t very outspoken about our difficulties while we were in the middle of them.

But a couple things happened. One, I realized how much control the shame over the situation had over me. And two, I realized that God was up to too much in the midst of our financial desperation to stay quiet about it. Sure, he wasn’t coming through with the cash the way I’d hoped, but his goodness to us during a very tricky time was hard to hush up about.

And then, there’s the fact that I’m a writer. And I feel strongly about the “prophetic” role writers have to share our stuff. It goes part-n-parcel with our calling. God’s given me the gift of writing and the opportunity to do it. So, telling my story — particularly the story of his goodness to us — is part of that calling.

FV: Describe your discussions with your husband about the idea of publishing a book about your family finances.

Caryn: Ha! These were some interesting conversations. But really, my husband was okay with this from the get go. He doesn’t buy into the “shame factor” either. He’s pretty tell-it-like-it is and is “man enough,” if you will to know that amounts of money don’t define him or me or us. I totally love and admire him for this. It’s one of his best qualities — certainly one of the reasons I fell in love with him.

I know many men couldn’t deal with this. But those men have some work to do, maybe a bit of pride to offer up to God.

FV: How did the hardships described in Broke affect your relationship with God?

Caryn: Well, it took me an entire book to answer this one! But really, nothing has done more for my relationship with Jesus Christ than being broke. And I think this is true for anyone who’s ever gone through some kind of desperation. It doesn’t have to be financial! That’s certainly only one of the few things in life that can break a person.

But God and I got real honest during this period. I went from sort of a light and fakey trust that he’d make everything fine and dandy, returning to us what we’d lost — and probably even doing us better, financially — to some serious dark valleys of doubt. Like, not questioning doubt (which I’ve always done), but denying doubt. For a while things got so bad with me spiritually (when God didn’t “provide” like everyone had told me he would) that I either figured God didn’t really hear me, didn’t really care or wasn’t really real.

I did a lot of yelling at God. Lots of crying. Lots of wrestling. But God was right there with me the whole time. Through all of it. And once I noticed that: that my sass-mouth, my rage, my tears, my punches didn’t scare him off, things started to get good again.

And once I realized how wrong I’d been (and how wrong many others are too!) about what “God provides” means and embraced all the blessings that were flying my way, things got super good.

God and I still have our moments. I still have doubts and moments of faithlessness, but going through this time of utter dependency on God has tuned me into his presence and work in my life like I never could’ve imagined.

FV: In the middle of your financial struggles, did you learn something new about God or have a truth brought home to you more tangibly? What was it?

Caryn: That God is good. That more often than not, God blesses us by breaking us. And that God takes us at our word. Because I had asked once upon a time for God to remake me, to turn me into the person I was really supposed to be, to pick me up and plunk me back down on the path I was supposed to be on. And he did that — in his goodness — by allowing my family to walk through this season of financial desperation. In some ways, it was a “severe mercy,” but it was a mercy nevertheless. He blessed up by breaking us.

FV: What if someone hasn’t gone through financial desperation. What can they get from your book?

Caryn: I joke that this is a book about money that’s not about money. I mean, it’s about being broke — and there are a whole lot of things in life that stand to break us. But it’s about learning to spot God’s crazy goodness in that broke. It’s about training ourselves to notice him at work in the world, even when he feels so distant. It’s about embracing the mystery and the wonder that God invites us into.

To purchase your copy of Broke, just click the Buy Now button below.

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