Would you let the world into your checking account? Would you lay open the story of your marriage as you struggled through money woes? Finances are a very personal matter. In her new release, Broke, Caryn Rivadeneira shares not only her financial hardship but the spiritual struggles that accompanied it. The principles discussed in Broke apply, however, to any difficult season or circumstance, not just pocketbook woes. Read along here as Caryn shares some insights into her process of writing vulnerably.
FV: Many people suffer financial hardships and don't want to share it with anyone, much less write a book about it. How did you decide to bare your checkbook, as it were, to the world?
Caryn: Oh, it’s much easier to write about it than to talk about it. I wasn’t very outspoken about our difficulties while we were in the middle of them.
But a couple things happened. One, I realized how much control the shame over the situation had over me. And two, I realized that God was up to too much in the midst of our financial desperation to stay quiet about it. Sure, he wasn’t coming through with the cash the way I’d hoped, but his goodness to us during a very tricky time was hard to hush up about.
And then, there’s the fact that I’m a writer. And I feel strongly about the “prophetic” role writers have to share our stuff. It goes part-n-parcel with our calling. God’s given me the gift of writing and the opportunity to do it. So, telling my story — particularly the story of his goodness to us — is part of that calling.
FV: Describe your discussions with your husband about the idea of publishing a book about your family finances.
Caryn: Ha! These were some interesting conversations. But really, my husband was okay with this from the get go. He doesn’t buy into the “shame factor” either. He’s pretty tell-it-like-it is and is “man enough,” if you will to know that amounts of money don’t define him or me or us. I totally love and admire him for this. It’s one of his best qualities — certainly one of the reasons I fell in love with him.
I know many men couldn’t deal with this. But those men have some work to do, maybe a bit of pride to offer up to God.
FV: How did the hardships described in Broke affect your relationship with God?
Caryn: Well, it took me an entire book to answer this one! But really, nothing has done more for my relationship with Jesus Christ than being broke. And I think this is true for anyone who’s ever gone through some kind of desperation. It doesn’t have to be financial! That’s certainly only one of the few things in life that can break a person.
But God and I got real honest during this period. I went from sort of a light and fakey trust that he’d make everything fine and dandy, returning to us what we’d lost — and probably even doing us better, financially — to some serious dark valleys of doubt. Like, not questioning doubt (which I’ve always done), but denying doubt. For a while things got so bad with me spiritually (when God didn’t “provide” like everyone had told me he would) that I either figured God didn’t really hear me, didn’t really care or wasn’t really real.
I did a lot of yelling at God. Lots of crying. Lots of wrestling. But God was right there with me the whole time. Through all of it. And once I noticed that: that my sass-mouth, my rage, my tears, my punches didn’t scare him off, things started to get good again.
And once I realized how wrong I’d been (and how wrong many others are too!) about what “God provides” means and embraced all the blessings that were flying my way, things got super good.
God and I still have our moments. I still have doubts and moments of faithlessness, but going through this time of utter dependency on God has tuned me into his presence and work in my life like I never could’ve imagined.
FV: In the middle of your financial struggles, did you learn something new about God or have a truth brought home to you more tangibly? What was it?
Caryn: That God is good. That more often than not, God blesses us by breaking us. And that God takes us at our word. Because I had asked once upon a time for God to remake me, to turn me into the person I was really supposed to be, to pick me up and plunk me back down on the path I was supposed to be on. And he did that — in his goodness — by allowing my family to walk through this season of financial desperation. In some ways, it was a “severe mercy,” but it was a mercy nevertheless. He blessed up by breaking us.
FV: What if someone hasn’t gone through financial desperation. What can they get from your book?
Caryn: I joke that this is a book about money that’s not about money. I mean, it’s about being broke — and there are a whole lot of things in life that stand to break us. But it’s about learning to spot God’s crazy goodness in that broke. It’s about training ourselves to notice him at work in the world, even when he feels so distant. It’s about embracing the mystery and the wonder that God invites us into.
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